Wow, it’s been quite a month. Not only is there so much going on with the world but it seems to be a trying summer for me in regards to health. As you know from our last entry that “bug” that I got the end of May has mutated and followed me around since then! Yes! It’s hard to believe. I don’t think I’ve ever been ill for so long. It’s been about 2 months and 3 trips to the doctor later!
I’m usually a healthy person, but I tell you…I must have gotten quite a strand of virus or whatever it was. I am hopefully pulling out of it but, wow…talk about making someone slow down!!! I haven’t been able to do very much. I show up for the show and that is about all I can muster these days.
My usual hummingbird pace has slowed to that of a sloth. I think I’m finally getting used to this different pace. It’s interesting; I was very resistant to this “cold”. I was fighting it all the way. Still moving too fast, taking all sorts of homeopathic things and my attitude was “come on get better”. After having it for so long, my thinking was more like, “Well, what am I not looking at…what am I not seeing…what is showing up for me in my life that is having me take a deeper look?” I started asking myself some tough questions, quite a bit of soul searching. I had to let go of “doing it all”.
I haven’t been in the place and space to really sit and be idle for so long until this illness. We’ve been moving fast for over a year. Well…my body just put on the breaks. Even now as I’m writing this I feel the weariness behind my eyes and my constant post nasal drip.
On top of that we have been dealing with our sweet dog Osa’s mortality. Yep. So sad. She has been the most amazing doggie. Quite the rock-star in my book! Her legs gave out on her and she couldn’t get up last week. I was her human wheel-chair for 4 days. This took Mo and I down quite an emotional road as we are seeing our baby come to the end of her days with us. Many friends are connected to her as well and if you ever met her, you know she’s a real special sweetie. A pure delight!
Our Zen dog, after much prayer, massage and some last resort medicine miraculously GOT UP AND WALKED! This was amazing. Now, I know they rally for us. I know it may not be a permanent health improvement and the end of her days are still nearing. But I can’t tell you how blessed we feel to have another day, more moments or perhaps another week…or even two…or hopefully a month with her.
I think in all this hard stuff I’ve been going through with health, and seeing my beloved dogie’s life passing by, the state of the world with people killing each other…I think it has opened up a space to really KNOW what is a priority and what is not.
Love is the only real energy that matters. Doing things with love and only love and if you don’t love it… don’t do it. Bring the love back to your life. Time, time by myself, time with my family, time with friends – these are priorities. I have found myself so stretched thin all the time and I’m really telling myself to “knock it off”. I am getting of the age now that I recognize the belief system that may be pulling me in a direction that is unfavorable, “I can’t be all things to all people”. I didn’t think I believed that, and even writing it seems weird…but I think a part of me tries. I am a very sensitive soul and not liking to disappoint I “feel” others expectations upon me. Well, with this illness I haven’t had the time nor the energy to address others. It’s been a foreign feeling.
I’ve only had time to take care of myself, to love on my dog and keep my head space positive and non pressured. I obviously was pressuring myself to a degree where my body shut down. When do we ever realize it? These things culminate over time.
Also in my sensitivity I feel the “weight of the world” feeling at times. The moon is now full and I feel lighter than I have in a month as I write this. My body is making certain that I take these “lessons” seriously and don’t start back on my roller coaster of too busy. We’ve been saying “no” to many gigs. We’ve cancelled. I’ve cancelled many appointments.
I’ve sat on the back porch listening to the wind through the chimes. I haven’t written a “to do” list in over a month. I’ve become one with my Zen dog as we just sit. Sit…idle…nothing…no guitar in hand…no book…no pen or paper…just sitting. It’s such a trip!
You try it and tell me how it goes. Do it for longer than 2 days…a week…a month…2 months! Ha! It was not easy at first. I’m beginning to like it now, ha! So different than where I was at in April springing around. This summer feels like winter to me, but it’s hot out. I haven’t worked out, gone for a bicycle ride, partied with friends…I really haven’t done much. Even the dust and the papers are collected on this desk. And…that’s o.k.
Apparently I needed a break. I get it. Nature provided me this time. Time to take it in, take in this beautiful doggy friend I’ve come to know and love for over 12 years. Not take myself or this career so seriously. Just do what I can. Enjoy what I can do. Love who I am in the moment. Not expect so damn much of myself all the time. Let things go. Let my house be a mess. Let go of those 100 e-mails I have not gotten to, stay away from computers, the phone, planning.
Have you ever wondered about Christmas time? Why is it so special? Because we get out of our normal routine…we stop. The same thing happens when someone dies. We stop. We don’t keep going. I mean sure, some people do and the world keeps turning. But remember 911? The whole world just stopped for a moment. The priority was the focus on love and the togetherness that we had as a human race. With all the stuff happening in the news these days…it seems the grand lesson is to just stop. Stop what we are doing. Be. Be for a while. Feel. Feel everything. “What are you trying to escape?” “What do you think you HAVE to do?” and is it really important in the grand scheme of things? “Who is in your life?” “What do you need to tell them?” “What are you telling yourself?” “What agreements have you made with yourself that you need to let go of?” “What brings you up?” “What lifts you?” “What do you love?” “If life were to end tomorrow what is it you need to do, say, be, go, experience?”
Yes, I’ve been digging. Digging deep. Illness can’t be controlled people. I’ve tried it. I am also not to blame for being sick! Ha! Some folks are like, “When are you going to get better!?” as if I could really do something about it (aside from take the best care of myself as I can). As if it’s my choice to not be 100%? The powers that be are working their magic. Making space for me to be, whatever needs to come through.
But I see that it’s not just happening to me. The world, our cosmic energy is shifting. Things are getting REAL! The moon is bright in the middle of this Wed. evening. I got to take Osa for a stroll in the moonlight at 2 am. I GET to do that again! For a little while longer. I’m stopping and making time for her. I’m putting down my phone. Putting down all things I thought I had to do. I’m being with my girl on her way out. She’s got all my attention. This world spins very fast, and faster yet are the people on this planet whirling at 100mph.
I’ve gotten off the fast track…for now. And even though illness may hold me for a while still…I’m feeling contentment and gratitude deep inside that is so much stronger than it’s ever been. I feel my Spirit emerge.
The mp3 of this month is a favorite that I’m learning. I’ve been singing it to Osa every day. I’ve always wanted to play it and for some reason never learned it, but while I was hanging out with Osa the song came to me and it hasn’t let me go all week. It’s a Towns Van Zandt song, “If I Needed You”. This song describes where I am at with her. It came to me and it’s the perfect thing to sing in her furry little ear, to let her know I am there for her, in this life and the after-life. She will always be with me.
Thank you Spirit, for slowing me down, enough to get some good quality time in with this pooch! All things happen for a reason…even illness. What a trip life is! Be well sweet friends. Go slow. Try stopping. Then go again. 🙂