Hello Friends,
Well here we come to the “Love” month! You know, that over rated time we place too much hype on chocolates and fancy dinners? What is that? I try my damndest to be that way throughout the year. Perhaps I fall short but I mean well.
Relationships are at the center of my heart. I used to think everyone was wired that way and have realized that this is not necessarily true. Humans need connection, but some humans deny themselves that connection to safe-guard their hearts. Fear of getting hurt, longing for something that can never be, or dealing with a person that is no longer with us, either physically or emotionally. There is a LOT to this human experience and it can be a messy ordeal sometimes.
Now let’s slap a Valentine’s Day in the mix when it’s the most depressing time of the year and see how all those who are longing navigate the situation. Yikes! Ha! I hope this makes you chuckle a little, in whatever situation you find yourself, because it is a bit ridiculous what we do and tell ourselves.
For all of you who are longing, who wish to be seen, fulfilled, embraced and understood…I get you and wish you inner peace and joy. For those who feel connected to their “person” or “people”, I recommend instead of a fancy dinner or chocolates…maybe drop into a 5 minute meditation in which you muster up all appreciation you have for that person. All the things they do “right” in your world and who they have been for you on your journey.
May the cogs of the wheel fold together as you “see” each other in that appreciation, and instead of focusing on the things that may go “wrong” in that relationship, you go beyond to see the goodness of that person. Eyes are the window to the soul, indeed. And when you look at that person from the light of appreciation…you will “tell them so”, tell them of the love that is between you both and make it known. THIS is intimacy. And yes, it’s vulnerable, which seems to be a hot topic these days.
During my time at the Cambria song writer’s workshop, we spoke much about vulnerability. Where do GOOD songs come from? From the heart! It’s as if it’s part of my job to “go there” and let me tell you that is not always the easiest thing to do! Who “enjoys” getting vulnerable?
As a group we listened to some songs that expressed vulnerability. We broke off into pairs and discussed REAL heart pangs. We were asked to “go where it hurts”, which you can imagine, can be a real “oh shit” moment.
I dared myself to write about things that are hard and thought, “What if I wrote a song about LUST?” No one ever talks about this, and I think during the month of Valentine’s it’s a PERFECT time to bring this new song to our membership page.
Lust is what, a sin? A forbidden emotion, taboo, especially for couples? Who gets to write about that? Talk about it? What is there to say? Tip toe around the tulips! LOL!
Don’t rock the boat with the “lower energy pull” and mess up your life! Ha! Its classic! But look how many movies are about it! Look how much it takes place among people yet it’s the elephant in the room. Don’t be human; don’t FEEL that dreadful feeling, make sure you mix shame in there so you can still be a moral upstanding person! Ha! (Men don’t have that “shame game” nearly as women, but sorry guys, that’s a whole other blog!)
Esther Perel wrote that relationships ebb and flow between mystery and knowing, safety and eroticism. She is one of the few therapists that tackle such topics in her book “Mating in Captivity”. We humans yearn for familiar (knowingness/intimacy) vs. newness (excitement/lust). We walk a balance if we have a healthy relationship. One that is not complacent and pays attention to the drifting of attention yet meets this drifting with curiosity instead of judgment.
I as a song writer challenge myself to find the “heat” of a topic and tell a story. I observe people and my own inner conversations. I used to be afraid to write about the taboo. “Slide” and even “Deep” were one of my first explorations of this kind of writing. Back then I thought, “Oh people are going to wonder what the hell I’m going through if I write this song and put it out there. They might judge me.” I have learned, if I get caught up in what others might make a song of mine mean, or that it will reflect poorly on myself or us as couple, this will shoot my creativity down in a heart flash!
I’ve since granted myself the freedom to write about hard things. Listen to Ed Sheeran’s “Bad Habits”. Is that about Ed? Do we know? A. Who Cares what he does in his personal life? B. It’s none of our business. If he had to walk the line of moral code and worried about what people would think of him personally, he would have never written that song, which has over 8 million plays on Spotify! 8 MILLION!!! There is a lot of underbelly to the song. I lot of mystery, lust, failure, displacement, demise, inertia, craving, addiction and self sabotage going on. And…it’s a fabulous work of art! It’s got a great beat, it’s RELATABLE!
I am not my 20 year old self but I can imagine the drain of trying to get my cup filled in the shallow wells from which he speaks. Do I make it about him? No, but he draws on a certain experience and writes from a knowingness of what he witnesses and can feel.
I endeavor to write a song about this taboo “Lust” topic. I roll it around in my head for months. Hmmm? Mo and I go to coffee with our lovely friends, Meghan, Lindsay & Deb. We are discussing musical adventures, “all the places we will go”. For whatever reason, Lindsay said, “You can’t un-ring that bell…” There it is! There is the line I’ve been waiting for! This opened the door!
And since I’m a lazy songwriter, I ask her to text those words to me. I’m like, that is a perfect concept! How many times would you take something back? Something you might have said or done? You can’t un-ring the bell!
Mo jots this down when we get home and puts it where she knows I will see it. She doesn’t know where I am going to head with it and frankly, neither do I, but I liked the “sound” of that phrase.
The next morning, I read it, have my coffee, enjoy the silence of our mornings with Mo still sleeping and out pops this song! It’s a challenge to sing the ending but it feels right up there with a “Come to My Window” feeling, “All I know so Far”, “Black Velvet”. It feels like it could definitely fit into a commercial sound, given the right producer. I hear it in my head on the radio. It has energy, juice, heat; it has the right formula for experiences of the head and heart for which only music can name the emotions. I love it!
No, we aren’t 20 anymore but like any good dog, we like to feel the wind on our faces hanging out the window and that’s what attraction does. Makes us feel alive inside, valued, worthy, these things for which Esther speaks. Many people (couples especially) can get complacent. They get into a routine and there is definitely something delicious about the routine; contentment, safety of a partner…but there is also validation to the side that speaks of newness and excitement, absolutely! How to keep it fresh is the journey of being IN relationships, even with the self. Finding inner love for the self, not needing someone to fill you up, these are things of maturity and wisdom. No easy accomplishment!
So enjoy the song! Make it about whatever speaks to you. How do you find your balance? What are your human needs that might or might not be swept under the carpet? Where are your taboo topics with self and in your relationships and how can they be spoken with validation and love vs. judgment and anger or fear?
It’s been a journey to write a song like this. Even during a zoom writers meeting, John Smith, my mentor at the workshop said in his little, almost Irish accent, “Ahh…Nicci! You DID IT! You tackled a very difficult topic! Good job!”
It’s right up there with Slide in my book. That song can still sometimes make me sweat! LOL! Hey, if you aren’t on the edge you’re taking up too much space right? Beware of falling off the edge though! Big Laugh! You want to feel alive but you don’t want to “kill yourself” in the process!
Also, another side note…I have achieved my goal of bringing the electric guitar to some of our shows recently. I am hoping to add live movie footage for those with the tier movie membership; you can see our first debut with electric guitar! It’s a bit pixilated (not the best picture) but you’ll get the idea. Thank you Kathy for filming!!!
